I remember hearing this song when I was driving back and forth from Patterson for rehearsals and performances of “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?” It was winter and I was driving back and forth during dark winter nights through rain and fog and over dark, somewhat winding country roads.
It wasn’t only the weather or season that was dark. It was also a dark period for me emotionally. I had been excited to be performing again and loved the roles that I was receiving. And then I got asked to be Martha for “Virginia Woolf".” I was flattered to be asked to be in this production and I was excited about the challenge of such a demanding role. I poured myself into the character as the cast discussed motivations and development and the whys and what fors of our characters’ behaviors.
It was hard work because it was a hard play. We were bringing out a lot of pain and dysfunction and anger in the development of our characters. We wanted to be true to our characters and that involved a lot of digging down deep into pain and bitterness that had long since been dealt with but was now revisited in order to create these characters. I was going back to a lot of pain from brokenness and heartbreak and instilling that into my character and began disappearing into the black hole that was Martha. And she was a black hole. She had been beaten down and broken by her father and she had nothing left but to suck life from those around her, particularly her husband.
As I “became” Martha, I became more morose and depressed. It’s bad enough that my temperament is toward the melancholy. To have me dig deeper into this character was to incline me toward even more melancholy and I found myself wondering if I would ever be happy again. It was also a time when I wasn’t able to join in my community group’s gatherings due to rehearsals. I really didn’t want to go to church because I was tired from rehearsals and I found myself sleeping in on Sundays. I felt I was drifting away from what I knew would help me think on “whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable.” Without it, I felt left to my own devices and I didn’t know if they were enough. It was pretty bleak, this phase, and I laughed at times when I thought “I’m doing this because I love my craft…” Masochistic was a word that came to mind oftentimes.
During the drives to Patterson, I found myself listening to a radio station that played jazz in the evenings. I found that the music helped me get into character as I drove to Patterson and it helped me decompress as I drove home after rehearsals and shows. It was during this dark time that I first heard this song. I remember only enjoying the melody at first, but it wasn’t until I started listening to the words that I began to see that God was there. He was with me in the madness and He was carrying me through. He was telling me through this song that we would get through this. As long as I was breathing, I could start all over again. It was an electrical moment in the car when that thought came to mind. I cried and laughed and finally breathed, realizing that the long night would be over… It was good.
I’m so glad I got to perform Martha and I even heard from someone recently that they really liked my performance. It was real to them, the pain and anguish that was Martha. It was gratifying to hear that my own pain and anguish used to bring that character to life was noticed. And to paraphrase the reviewer who saw the play and wrote about it, I was glad that I got to be Martha, but I would be glad never to do it again…
